Just sitting, waiting..

Waiting to get off hold with my insurance company, who apparently is still telling everyone that they are not my primary. So~ it's a good time to type something, no?

Winter has begun, and although so far the winter hasn't been terribly harsh, I still feel it creeping through my bones... Each day I fight, though, and so far I am winning! Coming into this winter, I felt like this year would be different, this year I would not be brought down by winter's dark and cold. And now that winter is here, and I am seeing what is happening around me, to those I love, I am finding that I have to win, I have to stay strong, because no one else that I love can. Not because of winter's depression, but because of demons, coming out from their shadows and playing their games. I wonder if they mean to be evil, or if they simply view things opposite of us? I wonder if they could be reasoned with, to coexist with us, or if the only option is to banish them from our lives. Maybe they have a purpose, maybe they come to test us, maybe they come to bring out what has been hiding, and teach us to overcome and to persevere. Maybe they are just training us to be stronger. And if we cannot learn from them, we will fall into darkness or death. Is that fair? Can we have an option to learn from angels, instead of demons? I suppose I would rather learn from demons.

I've been on hold for 20 minutes, and the phone recording just told me for the fourth time, "thank you for waiting, someone will be with you soon".... I call bullshit! It's a shame, really, that I have to do this again. I have many things to do today, and here I am, once again, waiting, so I can talk to someone for less than five minutes. And oh goodness, if they tell me I need to call someone else and get one itsy bit of info and then call them back, I will absolutely lose my shit! 

fuckitall

ah, phuket~ 

If

What we all need, to get through each day of our lives successfully, is purpose. Even with purpose, we also need motivation, and inspiration. Sometimes it takes a long time to find our purpose, I think that's harder than it is to find motivation or inspiration. But all of them can be hard to find.

I have recently met someone who has strong purpose and motivation and inspiration, and this person will not stop, this person goes all day every day working harder than I ever have, rarely taking a break to relax, and never letting negatives get in the way.

How amazing is that?

I have found my purpose, and I have a long road ahead of me to get where I need to be to fulfill it. I get all of my motivation from my best friend, who happens to be a horse. Inspiration I draw from all around me, from the things I hear and see and smell and feel, but most of these things don't stick for long, so I have to always keep finding more things to inspire me. And then I met this person, and I am so very truly inspired by this person. And for that I am thankful.

seeing people

not just seeing someone as they appear, but seeing who someone is.
with strangers, that's hard, it's easy to judge, and it's not often that you see the same stranger more than once or twice.

what about your friends or your family?
you see them often, you talk to them, you play with them, you trust them. but how well do you see them?

arguments arise out of miscommunication and misunderstanding. of course we all have are different opinions, it's easy to say that and think that and know that but how often to we put that knowledge to use? if you know that everyone is going to think differently than you, why would you be upset that they don't agree all the time? why would you be mad that they do something they want to do that you wouldn't want to do? maybe you can't understand why they think the things they think or say the things they say or do the things they do, but you can understand that they are different than you and what they think and and say do is for a good reason, regardless of if others understand it.

maybe it would be better if we all practiced understanding, openness, and acceptance, in our daily lives, with our interactions with everyone around us.


maybe you can't understand why i would write this, but you can understand that i have a good reason for writing it. maybe you wouldn't write this, but you could still read it, with an open mind, and try to understand what i am trying to convey, and accept that this is how i feel, even if it isn't how you feel.

and maybe you can be okay with that.

I just looked at myself in the mirror for the first time today

And that's surprising, since my room is full of mirrors, and my bathroom is full of mirrors, and my car is pretty well equipped with mirrors too.

Anyways.

I look terrifying and gross. And I've like, been places, in public, today.

This morning I thought, "whatever my hair looks like, I'll just tie it in a knot and then shove some bobby pins in all over the place, that'll be fine,"

yeah well that worked well I guess.

Oh well?

I'm gonna keep looking like this for another few hours, then maybe shower (pretty sure that's past due)... Then hey maybe I'll look not terrifying and gross.


Note:
When I say I look terrifying and gross, I mean I look like that to me, maybe I do to others but I don't care what others think! I don't like looking at myself and going through the day doing all my shit, looking like that, because I feel tired and gross and bleh, and that's not a good way to go about your day now is it? 

My Desk

I just wrote a very long paragraph describing my desk and everything that sits on it.

Then I deleted it.

Now I will write this:

Nobody gives a fuck what's on your desk, except for you, and probably your desk.

Is Humanity Waking Up?

I went to the barn first thing, bringing Freya and my parent's dogs Jack & Oliver. When I got to the barn, I see hanging on Lucy's stall, a home-made dream catcher, made with roots, feathers, leaves, and beautiful beads. I had asked another boarder if she would be willing to make one for Lucy, and her grandchildren eagerly took up the task, and while they worked on Lucy's they decided they would make a dreamcatcher for each horse in the barn. You could think, how sweet, kids are cute. But really, here is the thing.

A dreamcatcher is something of wonderful energy, power and magick. It protects us from negativity and darkness. And it does this for not only humans, but for animals and plants, as well. My dreamcatcher, given to me by Jordie, but built by a homeless man that I do not know, is full of love, and it hangs in my bedroom window, and it is there for me, but it is also there for my Freya, and my plant named Francesca, and my four fish, Loki, Hermes, Sami and Baby. One small dreamcatcher is there to protect all seven of the life forms in my room. How amazing is that?

Now my horse, Lucy, will have her very own dreamcatcher, which will be hung in her window. I am sure she will feel better rested, and happier than she already is, and her dreams will be stronger, maybe she will feel her dreams in her reality even (Of course a horse dreams, I believe all life dreams). If all the horses in the barn have a dreamcatcher, think of what will happen to all these horses. Our barn will be filled with happier horses, their energies radiating stronger. Can you imagine what it would feel like to walk into a barn with 15 horses, all with simply glowing energies? Maybe some of us are not so in-tune with the energies around us, but the thing with energy is that you don't have to be aware of it for it to effect you. If you are aware of it, it can be much more beneficial, but you don't even have to believe in it for it to be part of you.

Speaking of the barn (called Blue Note Stables). Each horse is loved dearly. This is a barn where there is no manager. There is an owner who collects rent from boarders, and does work on a tractor from time to time, but there is no manager. Each horse owner (with the exception of one) is there every day to take care of their horse and do their part to take care of the barn. No one asks anyone to help out, because there's no need to ask. Each person there is more than happy to help another with anything they can. There is very rarely negativity in this barn, from the horses or the owners. It is a place welcoming of beginner and advanced equestrians, welcoming of all ages, from children to grandparents, welcoming of all appearances, from your "average" look, to tye-dye and dreads and beads to heels and skirts to tattoos and piercings. All different energies from all different people with a shared love for horses (and other animals, I might add). This is a really wonderful place.

And the dreamcatchers aren't the only good energy being created by boarders. One boarder spent much of her free time to create, for each horse in the barn, their own name plate to go on their stall, and another one for their paddocks. And this boarder made each sign unique to the horse, so if you look at the sign before meeting the horse, you can actually get an accurate feel for what the horse is like (For instance, Lucy's sign is in the shape of a heart, and its painted red with glitter and flowers and a key, and a sticker reading "ride 'em cowgirl". This is perfectly fitting for Lucy, and for my relationship with Lucy!). The time and energy this boarder put into making these signs is wonderful, so positive and loving. And she will take them down at night every once in a while, take them home to freshen them up, and put them back up in the morning before anyone else is there, as a pleasant surprise for the other boarders.

Another boarder has taken to collecting large, smooth rocks. She paints them with beautiful designs and sometimes paints words onto them, such as "love" or "heal", and she leaves them on the stall doors of different horses. Rocks are, believe it or not, very strong and powerful. To take a rock that is already full of strong, grounding energy, and put colors and designs and words onto it, each color, each design and each word carrying it's own energy, along with the energy of the person who is creating the art, is added into the rock. This is a wonderful, powerful thing!

All of these things, all of these people and these horses, everything together, creates something. It creates a strong community, a community that is loving and caring and happy and constantly learning from each other.

That is amazing, and I am blessed to be a part of it.


So, here I am on this foggy Saturday morning, drinking my coffee and eating my greek yogurt (mixed with sweet nut things and my mom's home-made jam, so yummy). I am sitting at my computer (called Genevieve), and I check my email, renew my tabs on my car (adding a donation to state parks while I'm at it), and then I go to Facebook - purely out of habit. Lately, I have been seeing a lot on Facebook, of things that are making fun of others, or angry towards others, or showing how incredibly misguided and just plain stupid some people are. So much negativity. So today, that's kind of what I'm expecting, and honestly, it's been making me really consider taking myself out of social media.

But this morning, I see different things. I see videos from Bernie Sanders, posted and shared from all different kinds of people from all different states and some from other countries, even, and I will say that some of his speeches have got me tearing up. Seeing Bernie's views, hearing his speeches, and seeing all the positive responses from so many different people, this gives me hope for our country, and for our Earth.

Then I see videos of people dancing, children and adults and elders, dancing together or alone, with or without music, and this is so happy! I see videos of people helping strangers, videos of people sharing their positivity with those around them.

And I see a video from a man and his son, and the love shown from them was enough to reach my heart as I sit here at my computer.

And all of this makes me think that maybe some changes are being made...
Maybe some people are starting to wake up, and really see what is around them. See the beauty and wonder that is surrounding us, in the Earth and the creations we have made, and the complexity of humans. Maybe people are seeing what has been happening, how we have started to fall down from the negativity and hardships and hopelessness of so many people, and the anger and greed and ignorance of so many other people. Maybe people are starting to see how we have damaged our Earth, and how we still are damaging our Earth. Maybe people are seeing this and realizing that we need to change, and we CAN change, and maybe, if enough people see this and understand this, we WILL change.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I am choosing to believe in this, and I am choosing to do my part, to spread positivity and healing and awareness, and I am choosing to help. I hope we can all choose to believe in this, too. Because I know that now is the time for humanity to come together, because no matter what our differences are, we are the same, and no matter where we live or how we live, we all this on the same Earth, and we can only live on this Earth that we share. And if we do not come together to change ourselves and change our ways, our Earth will decide that we can't live here anymore.

And if you don't want to do it for yourself or your brother or sister, then do it for your kids, and your grandkids. What we have created is a world full of negativity and darkness and sickness, and this is what we will leave for our future generations. Unless we clean it up, and heal it up.

-Luja

Note:
This post became much longer than I had initially planned. I got all into it. But shouldn't we all really get into it?

I am drinking my first pumpkin spiced latte of the season!

Yeah, it's only September, but hey if the coffee shops are making them then you know the fall season is here and you are totally justified in switching from your usual boring drink to the delicious and festive drinks!!

On a slightly less reasonable note, I'm so excited for the holidays. As in, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know, I know, it's not even close to Halloween yet!! I can't help myself. I am finally at a place where I think I can stay strong and positive throughout the winter, and that feeling is giving me extra inspiration to make this holiday season a wonderful one with my family.

So, bring it on, winter. This year, I will kick your ass. 

Can finally write again.

I don't know that this is exclusively a writer's thing... It's probably true for all kinds of artists. Creating something is very hard, I think there isn't enough credit for it most of the time. For me as a writer, there is nothing worse than writer's block.

I have a stronger passion for writing than anything else in life. When I write, it's a kind of feeling like I'm not even on this planet. The feeling is freeing, it feeds me soul and my overall wellbeing. But to write, you have to sit down, open up a blank page, and starting writing (or typing). Words have to land on the page. At times it flows so naturally, so easily, and I don't even have to think about it. The words just come. But there are also times when I open up a blank page and I sit there, staring at it, or staring at my pen or my keyboard. And I will sit there, and sit there, and maybe write a few things and then delete them or scribble them out. It's like my words are broken, my creativity is just not connecting with the rest of my brain. I know it's there, I can think of all the things in my head but I cannot bring myself to write it down. And finally, after spending a fair portion of my day sitting there, not writing anything, I give up. And I feel like absolute shit.

This will go on for days, sometimes weeks. The uneasy feeling comes and stays, the whole time. When I'm working, riding my horse, cleaning, watching a movie, eating, driving... It's always there, nagging at me. The need to write. But I can't do it.

And the reason why I'm writing this post is because I feel like I can write today, for the first time in a few weeks. The set up is perfect, soft easy music, a pot of coffee to myself, two sleeping dogs, no one else in the house... I can do it. But I'm a little nervous, so I'm writing here, so get my fingers going, you know. Once you start typing (or writing), it's easier to keep your fingers moving, so now that I have my fingers all in the mood to type furiously across the keyboard, I will finish this post an open up a blank page and pray to all the deities that I can actually get something written. 

You were unable to speak for a year.

I have to write everything down, and I'm suddenly all about silly gestures. I never learned sign language, and honestly, I still don't care to learn. I'm a writer, see. So now, those who used to spend their time with me, try to avoid me. There are a few who still want to see me, and at first they were always watching me, like they were nervous something was wrong (of course, being unable to speak, obviously something is wrong, right?). But the longer they are around my silence, the less they seem to care. I'm not special after the first week, in fact now it's a little irritating, I want them to know what I'm communicating, and they are too involved with their phone to pause long enough to read my notebook. Listening to someone's words is much more convenient than having to stop and read every two seconds. Ha. My boss is entirely sick of me because of this, but because I am so very good at my job, my silence isn't worth firing me. I won't be getting that raise, though.

I'm going to have to wait till next year to take that communications class, and I imagine that my public speaking class is going to be a bit more challenging when I finally get around to taking it. I had been avoiding it before, when I still could speak, but now the thought of taking it when I regain my ability to speak is more than enough of a cause for anxiety.

My family seems to be less careful with me, which is rather surprising. I thought they would be the most sensitive about the situation. They have seemed to decide that now that I can't speak, it's a great opportunity to say whatever harsh things they like. They are, however, never worried about my mood, because I suppose my words on paper are not near as harsh as the words out of my mouth. Say whatever you want, Luja. See if I care. Al they have to do to ignore me is not read my notebook. Just don't look at me.

That is, until I learned that while I cannot speak, I can in fact scream. No words, just my lovely, ear-piercing shriek. Oh lord how I love it. Listen to me!!! I will make your brain melt!!! This is great humor for me!! You don't want to read what I have to say to you? Then you have no choice but to allow me to make you deaf.       Bitches.

As my year is coming to an end, I start thinking of all the things I want to say, all the things I need to say, the most important thing I can say as soon as I can speak again. This is very hard to decide, my speech has suddenly become almost sacred. What is the first thing I will say, and who will I say it to? I have so many ideas. Should I say something like, "well that was fun," or maybe "NOW THAT I CAN SPEAK I WILL NEVER SHUT UP!!! FEAR ME!" no, that's not me at all. "I missed you," And that of course would be directed at myself, at my voice. Will I tell my family that I love them? Or will I say proudly "FUCK" because that is in fact my favorite word. Maybe I will find a performance or important speech that is happening in my town, and I will run onto the stage an announce to everyone, "I can speak again!!!"

As I think about what I will say, I think about what reactions I will get, what responses they will give me. At first, I feel nervous, almost anxious. Then I realize that I don't really care what anyone will say back to me, and as I think that, I think that it doesn't really matter what I say. Then I realize that any words that I speak, it doesn't matter. This year has been stressful at times, of course, especially at the beginning of it. But now, I feel comfortable with it, I feel safe, and I feel at peace.

So the day I can speak again has finally arrived. I am ready, I have decided what I will say.

"This is enough."
As I say this, no one is around. The only ears that hear these words are my very own.

And now I will resume my silence. 

"This is what she wants most in the world"

There are so many things she desires, things that would make her quite pleased with her life. If every morning when she woke, her hair would look perfect, and she never had to spend a moment trying to groom it into something presentable. If she was surrounded by positive, caring people, so she would never have to fight the feeling of disgust towards other humans. If she found that one man that was her other half, that she meant everything to and that she live with blissfully for the rest of her days. If she had the career that she had dreamt of as a child, because those dreams never really went away. If she had that perfect story-book house, with a thriving garden and nice, spend furniture and decor. If she had all the shoes she might ever need, and plenty of the shoes she just wanted. If she could cook as well as her mother always did. If she had the strength to never fear or despair even in the worse of circumstances. But what she really wanted, more than any of these things, what she busted her ass to get every moment of every day, is to be respected for the amazing woman she has become.

No, I'm not being overly-sensitive.

Guess what! I'm pretty. In fact, I'm pretty hot. I'm like that kind of hot where every male sees me and wants me. But they don't want me, they want to fuck me, and some of them want to be able to say that I am theirs. Because THAT would be a really nice trophy, right? Kind of like having a shiny sports car.

Unfortunately, this means that I get gawked at, whistled at, called at, and harassed, just about everywhere I go, all the time. It is a very rare occasion for me to go out and not have anyone make me feel uncomfortable. On top of that, there are females that give me nasty looks, as if I am a bad person for looking the way I do. That it is my fault that I get whistled at and checked out and have inappropriate things said to me.

It's not my fault, I'm not asking for it. Yes, I wear clothes that fit me correctly, and I wear makeup and sometimes I do my hair nice. Does that mean I deserve the harassment? NO. I should be able to go out dressed in whatever the hell I feel like dressing in, having my prettiest makeup on and my hair perfect, and I should NOT be harassed by ANYONE, male or female.

Looking back, I'm ashamed to say this. For a time, I started going out wearing baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants, I wouldn't wear makeup, and I would even keep my hood up. Why? So I could go places without being bothered, without all the unwanted attention, without feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, because of the people around me. I purposefully would try to look in a way that made me feel ugly. No one should ever have to do that, ever. But I did that. And the only reason I stopped is because on top of feeling crappy because I felt like I looked crappy, it didn't make a difference. I was still harassed.

So what am I supposed to do? Grow thicker skin? Just ignore it? If I ignore it, it'll go away? I don't think so. Men need to treat every woman they encounter with respect - and that goes the same for how women treat men, as well. Maybe it's hard to keep from thinking about how hot I am or how much you'd like to get "a piece of that", but it's really NOT hard to keep your mouth shut and control your actions. I am sick of it, and I am not putting up with it anymore. From now on, every time a man (or woman) makes me feel uncomfortable simply because I'm pretty, I'm going to call it out, I'm going to make it stop. And I recommend that every other person that experiences these things or similar things, does the same. We can say, "we just shouldn't let it happen". But we all know it's going to happen, it's gonna keep happening. But there's something we can do.

Don't let anyone get away with it anymore. 

You know what life is like?

Say you have a really big, really hairy dog (For instance, a german shepherd). It's July. Or August. It is really hot out. And in. Your big hairy dog is shedding. A LOT. So much hair, it floats through the air, collects in piles throughout the house. Obviously, you have some cleaning up to do. You can sweep up the big piles and vacuum up the rest, and when you're done you can mop up the dirt that your dog trails around the house. After you spend a good hour or two cleaning up all the dog hair from every nook and cranny in your house, you look around you in satisfaction. Now you can go enjoy your day.

If you have a slightly less hairy dog, you can probably go the entire rest of the day without thinking about the hairy mess that accumulates in your home. If you have a dog like a german shepherd, that probably isn't the case. An hour after you clean up all that hair and mop up the dirt, you're seeing hairs on the ground, and you look in a corner that you're sure you hit before and see a mass of hair. It's like magic, how it just appears there. Your dog, who you love so very much, runs by you, and as she does you can almost see the hairs slipping from her coat and floating to the ground.
By the end of the day, your house looks like it hasn't been cleaned in months. If your friend came over, she would probably think you're some slob who doesn't know what a broom is.

Did I mention that you have allergies? The pollen gets you pretty good, but it's nothing compared to living in a house that is coated in dog hair. The whole time you're in your house before you clean up the hair, it's like your senses are all slightly foggy or blurred. When you started cleaning it up, of course more hairs start flying around in the commotion, trying to escape the dust pan or the vacuum hose. Those hairs fly right up in your face, it's like they are attacking you (of course, they see it only as a defense, you're the one attacking them). The first few times you are cleaning up this hair, you just are more motivated to get it all gone. But after a week has gone by, and you've been fighting the never-ending rounds of hair that keep coming and coming each day, you start to feel like there's no hope. There's no point, your allergies are going to make you lose this battle. For a brief moment, you consider giving your dog to your friend. Then you feel horrible for even having that thought in your mind.
When you lay in bed at night, with your freshly washed sheets and blankets and pillow cases, you can still smell it. There are dog hairs on your bed, on your fresh sheets, already. The dog hasn't even been on the bed, how did this happen? You just put these sheets on, in fact you waited until right before sleeping to put the sheets on specifically so hair wouldn't find it's way to the clean sheets! You can't escape it.

In the winter months, it's not so bad, your big hairy dog keeps most of her hairs, but it's still there. You only have to worry about it once or twice a week, not every day. Your bed is usually pretty safe from the hair. The dirt on the floor has turned to mud, though. There's never a real break from it.

Now, you could just not clean up the hair. Who cares, you can't keep up anyways, you tried, there's no fucking point! Instead, you will live in a dirty, hairy house where you senses are always clogged and sometimes you get a headache from the smell of all that dog hair. You don't care, you can live your life in this filth! It's not really that filthy, anyways, right? It's just some hair and some dirt. If you go long enough, you'll probably get used to it. It will just be normal.

But, you probably also won't notice that as you have gotten used to the hair all around your home, you have also gotten used to having a constant headache, and you don't see things as clearly as you did before. And whether or not anyone believes this, it is true that where filth lives is where negativity comes to party. You don't notice it, but your friends and family notice it - you have become rather pessimist and cranky most of the time. What you might notice is that you're finding that shitty things keep happening to you. You must be having some bad luck or something. You don't think that it could be your mindset. You definitely don't think that it's because you live in a dirty, hairy home. Having dog hair floating through your house all the time and filling up the corners of every room in the house, that couldn't possibly effect your mindset.

As time goes on, more and more hair (and dirt) collects, and it seems that your energy is decreasing more and more (how can that happen, you eat and exercise right, you're physically healthy!).

How can something so small as dog hair in your house, have such a huge impact on your life?

Believe it or not, it does, it really truly does! Your best option is to add it to your routine, every morning, sweep it up, and every night, sweep it up again, and mop every other day. It takes some time, yes, but the way you feel, and the way your home feels, is so much better. It's brighter, warmer, happier, healthier. You have taken the extra time to clean up that hair and dirt, but now you can enjoy the rest of your day to it's fullest.

Maybe I'm crazy for saying all this about dog hair, but really, it's not just dog hair. It's any kind of mess, whether it be dog hair, dishes, laundry, clutter. It's also the kind of messes that happen with friends and family, emotional and social messes. If you let it go, it spirals out of control, and you will end up feeling fairly weak and negative, even if you don't notice the change (usually by the time you do notice, it's too far gone that you feel like there's no way you can clean it up - where would you even start?).  If you keep up with it, though, and yes, it does take some of your time and energy and motivation, you will feel good, and you will feel re-energized and positive and all the aspects or your life will seem much easier, happier, and a lot more satisfying.

And that is my sensible nonsense for the day, and now I have to go find my vacuum and suck up some dog hair. 

I wonder if something is wrong with me?

A few nights ago, I was having a discussion with my dearest friend Rowan. She worries that she is too intense, all the time, with everything. I told her that she is completely right, and she should probably work on relaxing a bit. Normally I would suggest yoga or meditation, but even when she practices these things, she manages to do it with such high energy that is just so... tense. It's overwhelming, for herself and for those around her. I was beginning to try and advise her on how to work on toning that down a bit, and I found myself saying, "you should really stop caring so much."

... How does one simply not care?

That's what she asked me. At first, I wasn't sure how to answer. I thought for a moment, and then I start explaining, and explaining and explaining, and I have so many reasons, and the more I talk the more I realize that I myself, really don't care.

I mean, of course I care about myself, and I care about the people I love. Caring about myself makes sense, and if I didn't care about myself something would really be wrong with me, and I probably wouldn't be alive right now. I definitely wouldn't be the happy, healthy person I am today. But the people I love? I  care about them because they make me happy. Their wellbeing benefits me, emotionally and mentally. I suppose there are different ways you could spin that, but I see it as selfishness. And yeah, I am a kind person, I am quick to help a stranger, but I do it because it makes me feel good. I will help a stranger, but the moment I am no longer with that stranger, actively helping them, I don't care about them at all. If a homeless man asks me for a cigarette, I'll give him one, maybe even two or three, because it'll make him happy which will make me feel good for that moment. I don't care at all that the last thing that guys needs is a cigarette, and that if I was really trying to help him I would get him a blanket or some healthy food. If I carried booze around all the time, I'd be givin' that to the homeless man, too. And of course there are plenty of times where I will do something for someone when they ask, and I'll do it, for instance, yes, I will feed your horse for you, sure I'll give you a ride, yeah I'll buy you some ice cream. I'm not doing it because I care, I'm doing it because those things are a big deal. They are just things, whatever. It's not like I won't ever do something to help someone out or be nice, those are just normal things to me. I do it because I feel like doing it, and if I don't feel like doing it, I won't do it, either way it really doesn't matter to me. It just... Doesn't matter.

My friends and family can tell me what they want, do what they want, and as long as they are OK, I don't really care what they have to say. You can talk my ear off, go right ahead, I'm probably not actually listening, even if it REALLY seems like I am. You can ask me for advice, and I may or may not give it to you, my advice doesn't mean much to me, so if I feel like talking I'll give it, and if I don't feel like talking I'll say, "I don't know", even though 9 times out of 10, I do know. At work, I care about my work performance, because I take pride in that, but I don't care about my coworkers, I don't care about management, I don't care about the customers, and I really don't care about the business. I don't care about what's going on around me, unless it effects me directly. I really just don't care. Once, my friend was visiting me. He is a friend that care a lot about me, and wants very much to be my boyfriend. I don't care about him, actually I don't care about him at all, I spend time with him and lead him on because I get lonely and I don't have many friends, and because he likes me so much, he will pretty much always be there when I want company. So this time, when he was at my house, we were sitting on the deck, and he started leaning over the deck to play with the dogs, and he was leaning over right where I know there is a yellow jacket nest, and while I do very much like yellow jackets, it is always a bad idea to mess with them, especially near their nest, and my friend was leaning right over it, and eventually he hung his legs over the deck, right next to where the nest was. He didn't seem to notice the yellow jackets buzzing around him and starting to get very irritated by his presence. I kept thinking, "he should move, he's gonna get stung, a lot".... But I didn't bother to say anything, because I didn't really care. If he didn't want to be stung, then he should be more aware of his surroundings. Luckily for him, he moved away before any of the bees could get pissed enough to sting him. I was glad for this, mostly because when other people are in pain I feel uncomfortable, because I know that I should do something to help, but I never want to, because I don't like having to do things for someone because they weren't paying attention.  ... Does this make me a horrible person? If I hear about something bad happening to someone else, I will say whatever I need to say so that I appear to care, but that because if the people in my life think that I am a cold hearted bitch, I will find myself not having support when I need it.

It is to the point where, even if I'm spending time with someone that I care about, doing something fun or amazing and wonderful, I don't worry about it, I don't care about it. I enjoy it, yes, I enjoy many things, because there's no point to living if you aren't enjoying yourself. Sometimes I look back at things and think, maybe I should have spent that time differently, I could have done more, I could have made it more memorable, and then I shrug it away, because I find that I don't care.

I feel happy, sometimes. Maybe if I cared more, I would feel happy more? As time goes on, I'm seeing that I'm caring less, and I'm feeling less... There are few things that make me feel anything. Anger, sadness, happiness. I am excellent at portraying these emotions, any emotions that I want to show, but inside of me, I don't feel anything. Is that what everybody does? Put on a show for everyone, make people see what you want them to see, but really, you don't feel anything? Do you show these emotions because you care what people think? I don't worry about what other people think, I'm really good at making people see in me what I want them to, and I use that to my benefit. My reasoning here is that I am human, and I will do what I find benefits me best, because isn't that the whole idea in human survival? I don't care about other people because that's not my responsibility, even if I did care, there isn't anything I can do for another person, when it comes down to it, the only person that you can help is yourself, the only person you are responsible for and need to take care of is yourself. There is only one exception to that, that I see, and that exception is if you have a child or children. And I will say that I view my dog and my horse as my children, and I do care about them and take responsibility for their health and happiness. And yes, I care for my fish, but only because spiritually my fish are important to me, and they are, in a sense, magickal tools for me. They benefit me magickally, therefore they are very important to me. And if I'm not caring much about my magick, it is very clearly shown by the state of my fish.

I know I used to care! I cared a lot, in fact, to the point where I was always stressed, worried, upset, and yes, sometimes I was happy, but I was happy then less than I am now, because I was always too busy worrying about everyone and everything else, and I was left either with no time to be happy, or I was simply too exhausted to feel happy. And I cared a lot about friends, and if I was ever in a relationship, I cared deeply for the person, and always always always, I ended up being the one that cared more than the other person, which obviously led to serious hurting on my end. And so one day I decided that I would only care as much as the other person, and that worked for a while, until I started seeing that most people don't seem to care, if they do care they are horrible at it and it doesn't show, and I started feeling bitter towards people, but that took up a lot of energy, I don't like wasting my energy feeling negatively towards another person, so I decided I should try to not care enough to feel that bitterness, and it seems that in doing so, I have ended up not really caring at all. These days, everything I do and say is all calculated in my mind, nothing is coming from my heart or my soul. And if whatever reader is currently thinking that I am a horrible person, here is my defense: I am this way because I have found it to be the best way to protect myself. This last winter, I was in a dark place, and I never intend to go to that place again, and this is my best shot at staying far away from there. People have come into my life and made me feel so horribly sick that I come close to hating myself and hating them, and I don't want to hate, I am not a hateful person. So this is how I have come to guard myself from that kind of pain. Not caring is better than hurting or hating, the way I see it.

As I write this, I am thinking that this is all sounding horrible and sad and I really should probably try to change myself, but how can I change myself, if I don't care? To make any change in life, you have to care.. So how can I change myself to make myself care, if I don't care about it to begin with? You could say that I do care, I care enough to write about it now. But I'm writing about it now, and when I'm done writing about it, I'm going to start doing something else, and I'm no longer going to care about my lack of caring. And by writing this, I am risking things. I know of some people that read my blog, and I know that if those people read this post they won't be happy with me.  I'm letting my guard down, and I'm not sure why. I doubt it will happen again any time soon.

So this is why (part of why), I wonder if something is wrong with me. Part of me knows that, yes, something is definitely wrong with me. And that part of me wonders if I will ever care enough to change.

What if..?

Instead of frowning, we smiled, and instead of crying we laughed?
What if, instead of saying "But," we said "Okay,"

Or, maybe this is just crazy, but what if we tried seeing things with more than just our own eyes? Looking at things from not only our own point of view, but also the person next to us, and maybe the guy across the street.

You can disagree, or you can agree. You can take a step down, and in doing so maybe you'll be a bit higher, where you can get a better view of everything around you. Sometimes our stubbornness can get in the way of understanding the whole situation...


... So maybe I'm not making any sense here. But I do truly believe that there is always a possibility for a positive, if you are open for it to come to you. And if you can become open to positivities, you might find yourself suddenly surrounded by only things that will help you grow into better person, and you might find stress a smaller factor in your life, and you might possibly find that at any given moment in your life, you're just happy.


It's a lot harder than it sounds, though. To exercise an open mind, to let go of our pride and our insecurities, to let the other person be right, to take bad news with a smile and the thought, "I will grow from this,"... It's hard and sometimes exhausting. But I am going to try my best and work my hardest to become a person that can do these things, because I want to be a person that is surrounded by the positives in life - I know they are always there, I just have trouble seeing them (as most of us do, right?). I am going to become a person that is, at any given moment, regardless of the situation I'm in, happy.

I'll let you know how it turns out. ;) 

Feelings

Sometimes I struggle to be happy. I struggle to get myself up and be productive, even just to get myself to eat. It's like, I don't care about anything. I just want to give up, in fact, in these moments, I have given up. I say fuck it, I'm staying in bed, I know I have all these things to do but I can NOT handle them, and if the world ends by me not doing them, then so be it. I'm staying in bed, I'm sleeping, because sleep is the only way I can escape. 

Thankfully, I have another life that depends on me, entirely on me, and I love her so much that I force myself up every day, and out I go to the barn, where I care for my horse. If I didn't have her, I would not be getting up every morning. She is my push to get me going. From there, I have to take things into my own hands - I've gotten up, now how do I stay up. I have the whole day ahead of me, how can I make myself want to keep going, doing things all day long? It's been hard to figure this out, and I am still trying to get it all worked out. But I have started. I make myself smile, literally force a smile onto my face, and then I turn on a song that will make my brain pay better attention to what's going on around me. Then I look around myself and take everything in. There is beauty everywhere, and there is life everywhere, and I remind myself that every single time I look around myself. I am surrounded by beautiful life, isn't that amazing? The more I think like that, the more I want to be a part of that beautiful life. I don't have to be with another person, sometimes being around other people just makes me want to hide from the world again. I need to fill myself with the peace around me, and it's not hard when I live out in the country, in the Pacific Northwest.  

Now that I'm seeing beauty and life everywhere, I can step it up a little. I talk to myself about what I see and feel, I don't want to keep it in my brain, I want it out loud, so the world around me can hear it, too. I sing along to every song, and sometimes, by the point, I'll find myself laughing, for no reason at all. At this point, my imagination and creativity is starting to kick in, and ideas flow from every tiny thing I see, I have a million stories made up in my brain about everything that I've heard or felt or seen or tasted. And the smells... Really send my imagination flying. 

And there I am, happy, laughing, singing, making up silly stories, and content. Full of life again. It's just that I have to repeat that, every single day. Because by the end of the day, I'm so exhausted, my entire day disappears and if I want to remember anything about that day I'd better have it written down by 6pm. 

On a side note, Rosanna Komarow just opened a floral shop. 

Anxiety About Quitting Work?

I'm trying to leave the hotel where I work - or, where I used to work. The hotel is at the end of a spit, surrounded by the sea, and the road leaving the spit is narrow and somewhat windy. It's stormy out, and it was daytime but suddenly now it's dark. My friend is with me, I can't see him, it's like he's not really there, but still he is. And he is telling me to turn around, go back to the hotel. It's not safe to drive in this weather. There's a monsoon.
But I insist, I don't care about the weather, I have to get out of the hotel, and get far away from it. So I  am in my little black mazda, driving up the spit towards the hill that takes me to higher ground. As I drive the spit, giant waves are crashing over the road, nearly washing my car right into the sea. My car is barely making it through the water, and the waves continue to come over the road, but they keep missing my car by inches. I drive faster, I just have to get up the hill, and I'll be safe. And finally, I reach the hill. I am overcome with horror.
The hill is collapsing underneath me, the Earth being swallowed into the sea. And my car is gone, and I am gone, I am dead.

And then I wake up.

Long Day

There are days that go by easily. You aren't rushed, there's not a whole lot expected of you, you're feeling good, maybe even the weather is on your side. You get home at a reasonable time and get to hang with your roommates or your family, or your dog, or your fish or whoever you see at home. Or maybe you get some alone time. Go to bed early, even.
Then there are your average days, that are just so, so average. It's whatever.
Then there are days that take forever. It's funny, because maybe your long day started when you woke up late. It's raining, or it's cloudy, or maybe it's sunny but that isn't really helping today. It's one of those days when your coffee gets spilt, hopefully not on your clothes or in your car. You ran out of smokes halfway through the work day, and had to bum the shitty kind from your coworker. More issues than usual arose at work. Your personal life is boiling over with bullshit, and today you really can't handle it. By 2 pm, you are physically and emotionally drained. Don't bring up your brain, it's probably not even working today. You get home late; you've had way too much shit to deal with today. And by the time you get home, you're too tired to cook dinner, or even call for a pizza. You barely have the willpower to take your contact lenses out before passing out on your bed with your clothes still on. Let's hope you remembered to turn your alarm on for tomorrow.

Today was a day that was somewhere in between average and long. I can't say anything bad happened, though my mare was feeling a bit lethargic from eating too much grass and the sun being too hot on her all day. Too much was expected of me at work, as usual. No tips (no surprise). My energy level was very low. I suppose it doesn't help that my body is really out of whack lately. My emotions are everywhere and my brain can't help it, and my ritalin isn't helping much anymore. No, I'm not going to just up the dose.

And now I'm home, too tired to make tea, even though my body and soul would really benefit from a cup of dandelion root tea tonight. It's past 10 now, and I need to sleep. My desires are to stay up, get more writing done as well as a little reading, and I really need a shower. There's far too much dirt on my body from the barn tonight. My stronger desire is to get up at the first light in the morning, which will be 5:19, and if I'm to wake up at that time I really seriously need to get my ass to sleep within the next 30 minutes. There's always tomorrow for me to stay up and write and read and have dandelion root tea. So tonight, I will have to compromise and only write this post, take a quick shower, and definitely remember to set my alarm for the first light tomorrow. 

It starts with a good song

You have something to do, you really need to get it done. Actually, you have an entire list of things to do, that you do really need to get done. You have the day off, so it's your chance to get that list taken care of! But wouldn't it be nice to spend that day off relaxing? Enjoy a book, play with your dog in the sun, watch your favorite show (or whatever terrible show that happens to be on), or take a much needed nap.
   But wait, no, you have these things to get done. A whole list. Where do you get the motivation? There is that song, that  gets you pumped up, right, maybe you even have two or three songs that have that effect on you. So let's get a good playlist going. And you should shower now because if you start on your list first, you'll be too tired when you're done to care terribly about your hygiene. So take a shower, do your hair somewhat nice (that matters, right?). Hell, put some makeup on, 'cause looking good makes you feel good. Then get started on that list. Don't even look at your bed, and how invitingly comfortable it looks. Yeah, you should probably make up your bed, but that's too risky, especially with that book sitting on the table beside it. Don't even go in the TV room (or to wherever you keep your junk food). Just go right where you need to go, where your list requires you to be. And just do it. Just. Start.

  Or, you can stop by your computer and sit down for a moment, check your email. The cat may take his chance to steal your lap and doze off, I guess you're stuck in that chair for a while. Might as well stop by Facebook... No, Facebook is a ridiculous waste of time and energy (what energy? Mental energy). But hey, that blog you barely ever go on. You can check up on your blog. Shit, you may as well start a new one. That song to pump you up has already played, and now you have something a bit more relaxing on. Hm. Well, then, now that you have some chill music, a snoozing cat on your lap (did I forget to mention the freshly brewed coffee that is sitting on your desk?), and your new blog started, you might as well start writing. If you happen to forget the time, and finish writing just about time for the day to end, well then, I suppose your list of things you really need to get done will have to wait for your next day off, next week.

Oh shit, you forgot the laundry.