What if..?

Instead of frowning, we smiled, and instead of crying we laughed?
What if, instead of saying "But," we said "Okay,"

Or, maybe this is just crazy, but what if we tried seeing things with more than just our own eyes? Looking at things from not only our own point of view, but also the person next to us, and maybe the guy across the street.

You can disagree, or you can agree. You can take a step down, and in doing so maybe you'll be a bit higher, where you can get a better view of everything around you. Sometimes our stubbornness can get in the way of understanding the whole situation...


... So maybe I'm not making any sense here. But I do truly believe that there is always a possibility for a positive, if you are open for it to come to you. And if you can become open to positivities, you might find yourself suddenly surrounded by only things that will help you grow into better person, and you might find stress a smaller factor in your life, and you might possibly find that at any given moment in your life, you're just happy.


It's a lot harder than it sounds, though. To exercise an open mind, to let go of our pride and our insecurities, to let the other person be right, to take bad news with a smile and the thought, "I will grow from this,"... It's hard and sometimes exhausting. But I am going to try my best and work my hardest to become a person that can do these things, because I want to be a person that is surrounded by the positives in life - I know they are always there, I just have trouble seeing them (as most of us do, right?). I am going to become a person that is, at any given moment, regardless of the situation I'm in, happy.

I'll let you know how it turns out. ;) 

Feelings

Sometimes I struggle to be happy. I struggle to get myself up and be productive, even just to get myself to eat. It's like, I don't care about anything. I just want to give up, in fact, in these moments, I have given up. I say fuck it, I'm staying in bed, I know I have all these things to do but I can NOT handle them, and if the world ends by me not doing them, then so be it. I'm staying in bed, I'm sleeping, because sleep is the only way I can escape. 

Thankfully, I have another life that depends on me, entirely on me, and I love her so much that I force myself up every day, and out I go to the barn, where I care for my horse. If I didn't have her, I would not be getting up every morning. She is my push to get me going. From there, I have to take things into my own hands - I've gotten up, now how do I stay up. I have the whole day ahead of me, how can I make myself want to keep going, doing things all day long? It's been hard to figure this out, and I am still trying to get it all worked out. But I have started. I make myself smile, literally force a smile onto my face, and then I turn on a song that will make my brain pay better attention to what's going on around me. Then I look around myself and take everything in. There is beauty everywhere, and there is life everywhere, and I remind myself that every single time I look around myself. I am surrounded by beautiful life, isn't that amazing? The more I think like that, the more I want to be a part of that beautiful life. I don't have to be with another person, sometimes being around other people just makes me want to hide from the world again. I need to fill myself with the peace around me, and it's not hard when I live out in the country, in the Pacific Northwest.  

Now that I'm seeing beauty and life everywhere, I can step it up a little. I talk to myself about what I see and feel, I don't want to keep it in my brain, I want it out loud, so the world around me can hear it, too. I sing along to every song, and sometimes, by the point, I'll find myself laughing, for no reason at all. At this point, my imagination and creativity is starting to kick in, and ideas flow from every tiny thing I see, I have a million stories made up in my brain about everything that I've heard or felt or seen or tasted. And the smells... Really send my imagination flying. 

And there I am, happy, laughing, singing, making up silly stories, and content. Full of life again. It's just that I have to repeat that, every single day. Because by the end of the day, I'm so exhausted, my entire day disappears and if I want to remember anything about that day I'd better have it written down by 6pm. 

On a side note, Rosanna Komarow just opened a floral shop. 

Anxiety About Quitting Work?

I'm trying to leave the hotel where I work - or, where I used to work. The hotel is at the end of a spit, surrounded by the sea, and the road leaving the spit is narrow and somewhat windy. It's stormy out, and it was daytime but suddenly now it's dark. My friend is with me, I can't see him, it's like he's not really there, but still he is. And he is telling me to turn around, go back to the hotel. It's not safe to drive in this weather. There's a monsoon.
But I insist, I don't care about the weather, I have to get out of the hotel, and get far away from it. So I  am in my little black mazda, driving up the spit towards the hill that takes me to higher ground. As I drive the spit, giant waves are crashing over the road, nearly washing my car right into the sea. My car is barely making it through the water, and the waves continue to come over the road, but they keep missing my car by inches. I drive faster, I just have to get up the hill, and I'll be safe. And finally, I reach the hill. I am overcome with horror.
The hill is collapsing underneath me, the Earth being swallowed into the sea. And my car is gone, and I am gone, I am dead.

And then I wake up.

Long Day

There are days that go by easily. You aren't rushed, there's not a whole lot expected of you, you're feeling good, maybe even the weather is on your side. You get home at a reasonable time and get to hang with your roommates or your family, or your dog, or your fish or whoever you see at home. Or maybe you get some alone time. Go to bed early, even.
Then there are your average days, that are just so, so average. It's whatever.
Then there are days that take forever. It's funny, because maybe your long day started when you woke up late. It's raining, or it's cloudy, or maybe it's sunny but that isn't really helping today. It's one of those days when your coffee gets spilt, hopefully not on your clothes or in your car. You ran out of smokes halfway through the work day, and had to bum the shitty kind from your coworker. More issues than usual arose at work. Your personal life is boiling over with bullshit, and today you really can't handle it. By 2 pm, you are physically and emotionally drained. Don't bring up your brain, it's probably not even working today. You get home late; you've had way too much shit to deal with today. And by the time you get home, you're too tired to cook dinner, or even call for a pizza. You barely have the willpower to take your contact lenses out before passing out on your bed with your clothes still on. Let's hope you remembered to turn your alarm on for tomorrow.

Today was a day that was somewhere in between average and long. I can't say anything bad happened, though my mare was feeling a bit lethargic from eating too much grass and the sun being too hot on her all day. Too much was expected of me at work, as usual. No tips (no surprise). My energy level was very low. I suppose it doesn't help that my body is really out of whack lately. My emotions are everywhere and my brain can't help it, and my ritalin isn't helping much anymore. No, I'm not going to just up the dose.

And now I'm home, too tired to make tea, even though my body and soul would really benefit from a cup of dandelion root tea tonight. It's past 10 now, and I need to sleep. My desires are to stay up, get more writing done as well as a little reading, and I really need a shower. There's far too much dirt on my body from the barn tonight. My stronger desire is to get up at the first light in the morning, which will be 5:19, and if I'm to wake up at that time I really seriously need to get my ass to sleep within the next 30 minutes. There's always tomorrow for me to stay up and write and read and have dandelion root tea. So tonight, I will have to compromise and only write this post, take a quick shower, and definitely remember to set my alarm for the first light tomorrow.