I have to write everything down, and I'm suddenly all about silly gestures. I never learned sign language, and honestly, I still don't care to learn. I'm a writer, see. So now, those who used to spend their time with me, try to avoid me. There are a few who still want to see me, and at first they were always watching me, like they were nervous something was wrong (of course, being unable to speak, obviously something is wrong, right?). But the longer they are around my silence, the less they seem to care. I'm not special after the first week, in fact now it's a little irritating, I want them to know what I'm communicating, and they are too involved with their phone to pause long enough to read my notebook. Listening to someone's words is much more convenient than having to stop and read every two seconds. Ha. My boss is entirely sick of me because of this, but because I am so very good at my job, my silence isn't worth firing me. I won't be getting that raise, though.
I'm going to have to wait till next year to take that communications class, and I imagine that my public speaking class is going to be a bit more challenging when I finally get around to taking it. I had been avoiding it before, when I still could speak, but now the thought of taking it when I regain my ability to speak is more than enough of a cause for anxiety.
My family seems to be less careful with me, which is rather surprising. I thought they would be the most sensitive about the situation. They have seemed to decide that now that I can't speak, it's a great opportunity to say whatever harsh things they like. They are, however, never worried about my mood, because I suppose my words on paper are not near as harsh as the words out of my mouth. Say whatever you want, Luja. See if I care. Al they have to do to ignore me is not read my notebook. Just don't look at me.
That is, until I learned that while I cannot speak, I can in fact scream. No words, just my lovely, ear-piercing shriek. Oh lord how I love it. Listen to me!!! I will make your brain melt!!! This is great humor for me!! You don't want to read what I have to say to you? Then you have no choice but to allow me to make you deaf. Bitches.
As my year is coming to an end, I start thinking of all the things I want to say, all the things I need to say, the most important thing I can say as soon as I can speak again. This is very hard to decide, my speech has suddenly become almost sacred. What is the first thing I will say, and who will I say it to? I have so many ideas. Should I say something like, "well that was fun," or maybe "NOW THAT I CAN SPEAK I WILL NEVER SHUT UP!!! FEAR ME!" no, that's not me at all. "I missed you," And that of course would be directed at myself, at my voice. Will I tell my family that I love them? Or will I say proudly "FUCK" because that is in fact my favorite word. Maybe I will find a performance or important speech that is happening in my town, and I will run onto the stage an announce to everyone, "I can speak again!!!"
As I think about what I will say, I think about what reactions I will get, what responses they will give me. At first, I feel nervous, almost anxious. Then I realize that I don't really care what anyone will say back to me, and as I think that, I think that it doesn't really matter what I say. Then I realize that any words that I speak, it doesn't matter. This year has been stressful at times, of course, especially at the beginning of it. But now, I feel comfortable with it, I feel safe, and I feel at peace.
So the day I can speak again has finally arrived. I am ready, I have decided what I will say.
"This is enough."
As I say this, no one is around. The only ears that hear these words are my very own.
And now I will resume my silence.
I'm going to have to wait till next year to take that communications class, and I imagine that my public speaking class is going to be a bit more challenging when I finally get around to taking it. I had been avoiding it before, when I still could speak, but now the thought of taking it when I regain my ability to speak is more than enough of a cause for anxiety.
My family seems to be less careful with me, which is rather surprising. I thought they would be the most sensitive about the situation. They have seemed to decide that now that I can't speak, it's a great opportunity to say whatever harsh things they like. They are, however, never worried about my mood, because I suppose my words on paper are not near as harsh as the words out of my mouth. Say whatever you want, Luja. See if I care. Al they have to do to ignore me is not read my notebook. Just don't look at me.
That is, until I learned that while I cannot speak, I can in fact scream. No words, just my lovely, ear-piercing shriek. Oh lord how I love it. Listen to me!!! I will make your brain melt!!! This is great humor for me!! You don't want to read what I have to say to you? Then you have no choice but to allow me to make you deaf. Bitches.
As my year is coming to an end, I start thinking of all the things I want to say, all the things I need to say, the most important thing I can say as soon as I can speak again. This is very hard to decide, my speech has suddenly become almost sacred. What is the first thing I will say, and who will I say it to? I have so many ideas. Should I say something like, "well that was fun," or maybe "NOW THAT I CAN SPEAK I WILL NEVER SHUT UP!!! FEAR ME!" no, that's not me at all. "I missed you," And that of course would be directed at myself, at my voice. Will I tell my family that I love them? Or will I say proudly "FUCK" because that is in fact my favorite word. Maybe I will find a performance or important speech that is happening in my town, and I will run onto the stage an announce to everyone, "I can speak again!!!"
As I think about what I will say, I think about what reactions I will get, what responses they will give me. At first, I feel nervous, almost anxious. Then I realize that I don't really care what anyone will say back to me, and as I think that, I think that it doesn't really matter what I say. Then I realize that any words that I speak, it doesn't matter. This year has been stressful at times, of course, especially at the beginning of it. But now, I feel comfortable with it, I feel safe, and I feel at peace.
So the day I can speak again has finally arrived. I am ready, I have decided what I will say.
"This is enough."
As I say this, no one is around. The only ears that hear these words are my very own.
And now I will resume my silence.
No comments:
Post a Comment