Feelings

Sometimes I struggle to be happy. I struggle to get myself up and be productive, even just to get myself to eat. It's like, I don't care about anything. I just want to give up, in fact, in these moments, I have given up. I say fuck it, I'm staying in bed, I know I have all these things to do but I can NOT handle them, and if the world ends by me not doing them, then so be it. I'm staying in bed, I'm sleeping, because sleep is the only way I can escape. 

Thankfully, I have another life that depends on me, entirely on me, and I love her so much that I force myself up every day, and out I go to the barn, where I care for my horse. If I didn't have her, I would not be getting up every morning. She is my push to get me going. From there, I have to take things into my own hands - I've gotten up, now how do I stay up. I have the whole day ahead of me, how can I make myself want to keep going, doing things all day long? It's been hard to figure this out, and I am still trying to get it all worked out. But I have started. I make myself smile, literally force a smile onto my face, and then I turn on a song that will make my brain pay better attention to what's going on around me. Then I look around myself and take everything in. There is beauty everywhere, and there is life everywhere, and I remind myself that every single time I look around myself. I am surrounded by beautiful life, isn't that amazing? The more I think like that, the more I want to be a part of that beautiful life. I don't have to be with another person, sometimes being around other people just makes me want to hide from the world again. I need to fill myself with the peace around me, and it's not hard when I live out in the country, in the Pacific Northwest.  

Now that I'm seeing beauty and life everywhere, I can step it up a little. I talk to myself about what I see and feel, I don't want to keep it in my brain, I want it out loud, so the world around me can hear it, too. I sing along to every song, and sometimes, by the point, I'll find myself laughing, for no reason at all. At this point, my imagination and creativity is starting to kick in, and ideas flow from every tiny thing I see, I have a million stories made up in my brain about everything that I've heard or felt or seen or tasted. And the smells... Really send my imagination flying. 

And there I am, happy, laughing, singing, making up silly stories, and content. Full of life again. It's just that I have to repeat that, every single day. Because by the end of the day, I'm so exhausted, my entire day disappears and if I want to remember anything about that day I'd better have it written down by 6pm. 

On a side note, Rosanna Komarow just opened a floral shop.