A few nights ago, I was having a discussion with my dearest friend Rowan. She worries that she is too intense, all the time, with everything. I told her that she is completely right, and she should probably work on relaxing a bit. Normally I would suggest yoga or meditation, but even when she practices these things, she manages to do it with such high energy that is just so... tense. It's overwhelming, for herself and for those around her. I was beginning to try and advise her on how to work on toning that down a bit, and I found myself saying, "you should really stop caring so much."
... How does one simply not care?
That's what she asked me. At first, I wasn't sure how to answer. I thought for a moment, and then I start explaining, and explaining and explaining, and I have so many reasons, and the more I talk the more I realize that I myself, really don't care.
I mean, of course I care about myself, and I care about the people I love. Caring about myself makes sense, and if I didn't care about myself something would really be wrong with me, and I probably wouldn't be alive right now. I definitely wouldn't be the happy, healthy person I am today. But the people I love? I care about them because they make me happy. Their wellbeing benefits me, emotionally and mentally. I suppose there are different ways you could spin that, but I see it as selfishness. And yeah, I am a kind person, I am quick to help a stranger, but I do it because it makes me feel good. I will help a stranger, but the moment I am no longer with that stranger, actively helping them, I don't care about them at all. If a homeless man asks me for a cigarette, I'll give him one, maybe even two or three, because it'll make him happy which will make me feel good for that moment. I don't care at all that the last thing that guys needs is a cigarette, and that if I was really trying to help him I would get him a blanket or some healthy food. If I carried booze around all the time, I'd be givin' that to the homeless man, too. And of course there are plenty of times where I will do something for someone when they ask, and I'll do it, for instance, yes, I will feed your horse for you, sure I'll give you a ride, yeah I'll buy you some ice cream. I'm not doing it because I care, I'm doing it because those things are a big deal. They are just things, whatever. It's not like I won't ever do something to help someone out or be nice, those are just normal things to me. I do it because I feel like doing it, and if I don't feel like doing it, I won't do it, either way it really doesn't matter to me. It just... Doesn't matter.
My friends and family can tell me what they want, do what they want, and as long as they are OK, I don't really care what they have to say. You can talk my ear off, go right ahead, I'm probably not actually listening, even if it REALLY seems like I am. You can ask me for advice, and I may or may not give it to you, my advice doesn't mean much to me, so if I feel like talking I'll give it, and if I don't feel like talking I'll say, "I don't know", even though 9 times out of 10, I do know. At work, I care about my work performance, because I take pride in that, but I don't care about my coworkers, I don't care about management, I don't care about the customers, and I really don't care about the business. I don't care about what's going on around me, unless it effects me directly. I really just don't care. Once, my friend was visiting me. He is a friend that care a lot about me, and wants very much to be my boyfriend. I don't care about him, actually I don't care about him at all, I spend time with him and lead him on because I get lonely and I don't have many friends, and because he likes me so much, he will pretty much always be there when I want company. So this time, when he was at my house, we were sitting on the deck, and he started leaning over the deck to play with the dogs, and he was leaning over right where I know there is a yellow jacket nest, and while I do very much like yellow jackets, it is always a bad idea to mess with them, especially near their nest, and my friend was leaning right over it, and eventually he hung his legs over the deck, right next to where the nest was. He didn't seem to notice the yellow jackets buzzing around him and starting to get very irritated by his presence. I kept thinking, "he should move, he's gonna get stung, a lot".... But I didn't bother to say anything, because I didn't really care. If he didn't want to be stung, then he should be more aware of his surroundings. Luckily for him, he moved away before any of the bees could get pissed enough to sting him. I was glad for this, mostly because when other people are in pain I feel uncomfortable, because I know that I should do something to help, but I never want to, because I don't like having to do things for someone because they weren't paying attention. ... Does this make me a horrible person? If I hear about something bad happening to someone else, I will say whatever I need to say so that I appear to care, but that because if the people in my life think that I am a cold hearted bitch, I will find myself not having support when I need it.
It is to the point where, even if I'm spending time with someone that I care about, doing something fun or amazing and wonderful, I don't worry about it, I don't care about it. I enjoy it, yes, I enjoy many things, because there's no point to living if you aren't enjoying yourself. Sometimes I look back at things and think, maybe I should have spent that time differently, I could have done more, I could have made it more memorable, and then I shrug it away, because I find that I don't care.
I feel happy, sometimes. Maybe if I cared more, I would feel happy more? As time goes on, I'm seeing that I'm caring less, and I'm feeling less... There are few things that make me feel anything. Anger, sadness, happiness. I am excellent at portraying these emotions, any emotions that I want to show, but inside of me, I don't feel anything. Is that what everybody does? Put on a show for everyone, make people see what you want them to see, but really, you don't feel anything? Do you show these emotions because you care what people think? I don't worry about what other people think, I'm really good at making people see in me what I want them to, and I use that to my benefit. My reasoning here is that I am human, and I will do what I find benefits me best, because isn't that the whole idea in human survival? I don't care about other people because that's not my responsibility, even if I did care, there isn't anything I can do for another person, when it comes down to it, the only person that you can help is yourself, the only person you are responsible for and need to take care of is yourself. There is only one exception to that, that I see, and that exception is if you have a child or children. And I will say that I view my dog and my horse as my children, and I do care about them and take responsibility for their health and happiness. And yes, I care for my fish, but only because spiritually my fish are important to me, and they are, in a sense, magickal tools for me. They benefit me magickally, therefore they are very important to me. And if I'm not caring much about my magick, it is very clearly shown by the state of my fish.
I know I used to care! I cared a lot, in fact, to the point where I was always stressed, worried, upset, and yes, sometimes I was happy, but I was happy then less than I am now, because I was always too busy worrying about everyone and everything else, and I was left either with no time to be happy, or I was simply too exhausted to feel happy. And I cared a lot about friends, and if I was ever in a relationship, I cared deeply for the person, and always always always, I ended up being the one that cared more than the other person, which obviously led to serious hurting on my end. And so one day I decided that I would only care as much as the other person, and that worked for a while, until I started seeing that most people don't seem to care, if they do care they are horrible at it and it doesn't show, and I started feeling bitter towards people, but that took up a lot of energy, I don't like wasting my energy feeling negatively towards another person, so I decided I should try to not care enough to feel that bitterness, and it seems that in doing so, I have ended up not really caring at all. These days, everything I do and say is all calculated in my mind, nothing is coming from my heart or my soul. And if whatever reader is currently thinking that I am a horrible person, here is my defense: I am this way because I have found it to be the best way to protect myself. This last winter, I was in a dark place, and I never intend to go to that place again, and this is my best shot at staying far away from there. People have come into my life and made me feel so horribly sick that I come close to hating myself and hating them, and I don't want to hate, I am not a hateful person. So this is how I have come to guard myself from that kind of pain. Not caring is better than hurting or hating, the way I see it.
As I write this, I am thinking that this is all sounding horrible and sad and I really should probably try to change myself, but how can I change myself, if I don't care? To make any change in life, you have to care.. So how can I change myself to make myself care, if I don't care about it to begin with? You could say that I do care, I care enough to write about it now. But I'm writing about it now, and when I'm done writing about it, I'm going to start doing something else, and I'm no longer going to care about my lack of caring. And by writing this, I am risking things. I know of some people that read my blog, and I know that if those people read this post they won't be happy with me. I'm letting my guard down, and I'm not sure why. I doubt it will happen again any time soon.
So this is why (part of why), I wonder if something is wrong with me. Part of me knows that, yes, something is definitely wrong with me. And that part of me wonders if I will ever care enough to change.
... How does one simply not care?
That's what she asked me. At first, I wasn't sure how to answer. I thought for a moment, and then I start explaining, and explaining and explaining, and I have so many reasons, and the more I talk the more I realize that I myself, really don't care.
I mean, of course I care about myself, and I care about the people I love. Caring about myself makes sense, and if I didn't care about myself something would really be wrong with me, and I probably wouldn't be alive right now. I definitely wouldn't be the happy, healthy person I am today. But the people I love? I care about them because they make me happy. Their wellbeing benefits me, emotionally and mentally. I suppose there are different ways you could spin that, but I see it as selfishness. And yeah, I am a kind person, I am quick to help a stranger, but I do it because it makes me feel good. I will help a stranger, but the moment I am no longer with that stranger, actively helping them, I don't care about them at all. If a homeless man asks me for a cigarette, I'll give him one, maybe even two or three, because it'll make him happy which will make me feel good for that moment. I don't care at all that the last thing that guys needs is a cigarette, and that if I was really trying to help him I would get him a blanket or some healthy food. If I carried booze around all the time, I'd be givin' that to the homeless man, too. And of course there are plenty of times where I will do something for someone when they ask, and I'll do it, for instance, yes, I will feed your horse for you, sure I'll give you a ride, yeah I'll buy you some ice cream. I'm not doing it because I care, I'm doing it because those things are a big deal. They are just things, whatever. It's not like I won't ever do something to help someone out or be nice, those are just normal things to me. I do it because I feel like doing it, and if I don't feel like doing it, I won't do it, either way it really doesn't matter to me. It just... Doesn't matter.
My friends and family can tell me what they want, do what they want, and as long as they are OK, I don't really care what they have to say. You can talk my ear off, go right ahead, I'm probably not actually listening, even if it REALLY seems like I am. You can ask me for advice, and I may or may not give it to you, my advice doesn't mean much to me, so if I feel like talking I'll give it, and if I don't feel like talking I'll say, "I don't know", even though 9 times out of 10, I do know. At work, I care about my work performance, because I take pride in that, but I don't care about my coworkers, I don't care about management, I don't care about the customers, and I really don't care about the business. I don't care about what's going on around me, unless it effects me directly. I really just don't care. Once, my friend was visiting me. He is a friend that care a lot about me, and wants very much to be my boyfriend. I don't care about him, actually I don't care about him at all, I spend time with him and lead him on because I get lonely and I don't have many friends, and because he likes me so much, he will pretty much always be there when I want company. So this time, when he was at my house, we were sitting on the deck, and he started leaning over the deck to play with the dogs, and he was leaning over right where I know there is a yellow jacket nest, and while I do very much like yellow jackets, it is always a bad idea to mess with them, especially near their nest, and my friend was leaning right over it, and eventually he hung his legs over the deck, right next to where the nest was. He didn't seem to notice the yellow jackets buzzing around him and starting to get very irritated by his presence. I kept thinking, "he should move, he's gonna get stung, a lot".... But I didn't bother to say anything, because I didn't really care. If he didn't want to be stung, then he should be more aware of his surroundings. Luckily for him, he moved away before any of the bees could get pissed enough to sting him. I was glad for this, mostly because when other people are in pain I feel uncomfortable, because I know that I should do something to help, but I never want to, because I don't like having to do things for someone because they weren't paying attention. ... Does this make me a horrible person? If I hear about something bad happening to someone else, I will say whatever I need to say so that I appear to care, but that because if the people in my life think that I am a cold hearted bitch, I will find myself not having support when I need it.
It is to the point where, even if I'm spending time with someone that I care about, doing something fun or amazing and wonderful, I don't worry about it, I don't care about it. I enjoy it, yes, I enjoy many things, because there's no point to living if you aren't enjoying yourself. Sometimes I look back at things and think, maybe I should have spent that time differently, I could have done more, I could have made it more memorable, and then I shrug it away, because I find that I don't care.
I feel happy, sometimes. Maybe if I cared more, I would feel happy more? As time goes on, I'm seeing that I'm caring less, and I'm feeling less... There are few things that make me feel anything. Anger, sadness, happiness. I am excellent at portraying these emotions, any emotions that I want to show, but inside of me, I don't feel anything. Is that what everybody does? Put on a show for everyone, make people see what you want them to see, but really, you don't feel anything? Do you show these emotions because you care what people think? I don't worry about what other people think, I'm really good at making people see in me what I want them to, and I use that to my benefit. My reasoning here is that I am human, and I will do what I find benefits me best, because isn't that the whole idea in human survival? I don't care about other people because that's not my responsibility, even if I did care, there isn't anything I can do for another person, when it comes down to it, the only person that you can help is yourself, the only person you are responsible for and need to take care of is yourself. There is only one exception to that, that I see, and that exception is if you have a child or children. And I will say that I view my dog and my horse as my children, and I do care about them and take responsibility for their health and happiness. And yes, I care for my fish, but only because spiritually my fish are important to me, and they are, in a sense, magickal tools for me. They benefit me magickally, therefore they are very important to me. And if I'm not caring much about my magick, it is very clearly shown by the state of my fish.
I know I used to care! I cared a lot, in fact, to the point where I was always stressed, worried, upset, and yes, sometimes I was happy, but I was happy then less than I am now, because I was always too busy worrying about everyone and everything else, and I was left either with no time to be happy, or I was simply too exhausted to feel happy. And I cared a lot about friends, and if I was ever in a relationship, I cared deeply for the person, and always always always, I ended up being the one that cared more than the other person, which obviously led to serious hurting on my end. And so one day I decided that I would only care as much as the other person, and that worked for a while, until I started seeing that most people don't seem to care, if they do care they are horrible at it and it doesn't show, and I started feeling bitter towards people, but that took up a lot of energy, I don't like wasting my energy feeling negatively towards another person, so I decided I should try to not care enough to feel that bitterness, and it seems that in doing so, I have ended up not really caring at all. These days, everything I do and say is all calculated in my mind, nothing is coming from my heart or my soul. And if whatever reader is currently thinking that I am a horrible person, here is my defense: I am this way because I have found it to be the best way to protect myself. This last winter, I was in a dark place, and I never intend to go to that place again, and this is my best shot at staying far away from there. People have come into my life and made me feel so horribly sick that I come close to hating myself and hating them, and I don't want to hate, I am not a hateful person. So this is how I have come to guard myself from that kind of pain. Not caring is better than hurting or hating, the way I see it.
As I write this, I am thinking that this is all sounding horrible and sad and I really should probably try to change myself, but how can I change myself, if I don't care? To make any change in life, you have to care.. So how can I change myself to make myself care, if I don't care about it to begin with? You could say that I do care, I care enough to write about it now. But I'm writing about it now, and when I'm done writing about it, I'm going to start doing something else, and I'm no longer going to care about my lack of caring. And by writing this, I am risking things. I know of some people that read my blog, and I know that if those people read this post they won't be happy with me. I'm letting my guard down, and I'm not sure why. I doubt it will happen again any time soon.
So this is why (part of why), I wonder if something is wrong with me. Part of me knows that, yes, something is definitely wrong with me. And that part of me wonders if I will ever care enough to change.
